Beach Party

My dearest Lucy,

This weekend was full of fun adventures! It all started Saturday morning - after I had a quick "business meeting", my humans left for the store. Usually I am very unhappy about being left in the house to fend for myself - what if a squirrel attacked? What if men with boxes came to the door? - but in this case, I was happy to see them go. They were headed to the store to buy me a gate, so that I may frolic on the patio without a leash. I could taste the sweet sweet freedom on my tiny little tongue!

After they returned, I was quite excited - it took far too long for them to build the gate, so I barked my encouragement. This was not well received, and I was banished to the confines of the house. I slipped out again, just in time to see them put the last piece in place. I was then left to sniff to my little heart's content in the warm breeze (alright - it was a bit cold, but I had just put on a very fashionable new sweater, and wanted to show it off to my bird friends.)

It was then I made a huge discovery - I found the Grey Squirrel Trio's secret entrance! It would seem there are large openings in the wooden fortifications surrounding our deck. I desperately tried to call my humans attention to this by sticking my head and shoulders through the openings, but this was met with great fear on their part. I was once again banished to the house. In protest, I lay forlornly at the door, looking my saddest and most pitiable.

My plan worked, and my humans took pity on me. It was decided that we would get a picnic lunch and head to THE BEACH! I could see myself prancersising in the sand, chasing seaguls, sniffing shells. I was filled with a sense of utter delight.

Of course the picnic lunch was only for my family and I sadly did not get anything - not one bite! While I do appreciate that I maintain a svelte figure, a little nibble of a Cheeto won't kill me. It is utterly rude to eat in front of someone else and not offer to share, don't you agree?

After the feeding frenzy, off to the beach we went! The humans never plan well, though, and forgot about wind. At home it had been gentle and playful - at the beach it was quite brisk! I looked fantastic, like a supermodel on the runway, but my dear humans nearly got blown over. I went for a quick romp in the sand, meeting other dogs out for a Saturday stroll. One brave Golden Retreiver was even splashing about in the waves! I was not about to get my paws wet, that is not my thing but I celebrated his bravery with several yaps of camaraderie
.

Utilizing all the lessons Tyra Barks taught me in America's Next Top Dog Model. Unfortunately my dearest human doesn't understand the concept of "vogue-ing" and did NOT use the wind to her advantage.

After a small exploration of a young tree sapling and putting up with several small humans man-handling my ears, back to the house we went. I proceeded to enjoy my new found freedom on the patio some more, before coming inside for chicken jerky and cuddles.

What have you been up to, my puppy-sister in the bond?

Much love and doggy kisses,
Peaches

A Holiday Limerick

There once was a dog who loved pie

And begged humans for some on the sly

Then on one Friday

They said "Happy Pi Day!"

But it turns out the pie was a lie

Original Source

Purim Haiku

Hamentashen treats

Why is the counter so high?

Get in my mouth now.

My humans baked cookies last night and didn't even share.

Squirrel War Three

My dearest Lucy,

I sympathize with your plight against unsavory creatures. We too, have a troupe of unsightly deer. I am lucky that they do not invade our yard often, and usually only do so in transit to disturb other poor pups. I do make sure to mark the border of our property well, so they know to keep distant. The squirrels are a far more pressing nuisance here.

Every day my humans take pity on the poor bird-folk who have not migrated south, and spread seed on our porch so that they may find sustenance when their pantries wear thin. Being the charitable dog that I am, I inspect our seed offerings daily to ensure they are fresh and tasty, then stand guard to ensure only those in need are served.

Keeping watch over the Home for Hungry Fowl

Needless to say, those rapscallions the Grey Squirrel Trio, invade our Home for Hungry Fowl daily in an attempt to steal the seed for themselves. While I have not found a proper deterrent to their arrival, I find the quickest way to dispatch these filthy creatures is not to bark. Rather, I find the best results by jumping in distress and flinging oneself helplessly at the closed door until the humans allow me out to make my charge. Then I lunge for the evildoers, still silent and menacing - they are not used to a sneak attack and run in fear every time.

I also practice my techniques on a squirrel toy at night, usually when my humans are watching that caterwauling they call "The Voice." It helps me to vent my frustrations so I am able to stay calm and strategic when I encounter my true foe. Perhaps you should ask your humans for a plush deer to practice on. I find a hopeful look and waggy tail in the toy department of the pet store will usually do the trick.

On another subject, my human mom tells me you live with a male human. I must say I find the male human animal wholly unsavory. They do strange things with their facial fur and have hands that are far to large for my liking. We have two in our neighborhood who deliver strange boxes and envelopes, never with anything for me.  I always make my distaste for them known, but they disregard my distress entirely. Another once manhandled me into a prone position while my usually sweet veterinarian took a hatchet to my delicate toenails - entirely ungentlemanly behavior! I hope your human is more respectful and does not subject you to such indignities.

Many licks and bottom sniffs,
Peaches Keane, aka Peachykeen

The Deer

Dear Peaches,

The Deer have infiltrated. They think they're so cool with their big black noses and  hooves and being "big," but I'm big too and they will not get away with this.

It was a chilly winter morning when I first spotted them. There I was, going about my business, doing my business in my yard when I peer up mid-squat to see a creature with a big black nose and pointy ears just staring at me. How rude! I was having a private moment and this animal has the audacity to stare at me? She didn't even look away. She just watched me watching her watch me!

I immediately sounded the alarm. You only get one chance at a first impression and she had made hers. Clearly, these were unsavory creatures. That's when I learned the name of these intruders - Deer (my humans seemed excited to see them for some reason).

My barks were not as effective as I had hoped and the two Deer - an adult female and her offspring - just continued to stare at me. My humans called me inside and I obliged since I was getting no where.

This animal is the nastiest skank I've ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut!

In the weeks since our first encounter, the deer have returned to lay in the yard. Whenever I see them, I let them know they are not welcome, and sometimes they run away but they continue to return.

Two days ago, I was taking my humans to the park for a walk when I saw one of the Deer, sitting nonchalantly in the driveway. I immediately ran straight at her with my meanest, snarliest, scariest face and barked at her to leave! She stood up but stood her ground. I could win this fight! I'm a vicious dog and she is just a dumb Deer! But alas, my humans called me away. They seemed mad for some reason and I did not want to jeopardize our trip to my beloved park.

I will keep you updated on my battle against the Deer, Peaches. If you have any suggestions based on your vast experience in the intimidation of squirrels, I would appreciate them as I am getting no where with these Deer.

Loyally in the Puppy Bond,

Lucy Catherine AKA Lucycat

Inside the Peaches's Studio

1. What is your favorite word?

"Tummy-time"...alright, that is two words. But like beauty sleep and a healthy diet, it is essential that my belly be rubbed (at least thrice daily.)

2. What is your least favorite word?

"Squirrel." He is a vicious, evil, greedy creature and he must be brought down. In fact, anything that is grey and moves generally quickly must be eliminated. Down with pigeons too!

3. What turns you on?

 Fluffy yellow duckies. They shriek so delightfully when I gnaw upon their faces.

4. What turns you off?

Strangers. It is not appropriate for a young lady of my breeding to fraternize with anyone but my own kin.

5. What sound do you love?

The sweet cacophony of kibble hitting my bowl.

6. What sound do you hate?

Truck noises. Trucks are lewd beings and should be disposed of entirely, as should any poor soul who chooses to drive one of those heinous vehicles. 

7. What is your favorite curse word?

BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK....BARK....BARKBARK

8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

Private Olfactory Investigator. I am quite skilled at solving mysteries with my nose.

9. What profession would you not like to do?

Sales-pup. I do so dislike others, and I would hate to have to interact with them.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

"Who wants a belly rub?!"

Inside the Lucy's Studio

1. What is your favorite word?

"Treat." Sometimes my owners ask me if I want a treat so I'll do what they want. I don't care. I love treats!

2. What is your least favorite word?

"No." I'll do what I want!

3. What turns you on?

 Treats. Especially frozen mangos or peas or corn or chicken pieces or chicken meatballs or cheese sticks or bananas or greenies or when my food is mixed with yogurt or coconut oil or when I eat food I'm not supposed to after it falls on the floor. Also belly rubs.

4. What turns you off?

When I have to get my nails trimmed or when people pet me when I'm trying to sleep. 

5. What sound do you love?

Food wrappers crinkling.

6. What sound do you hate?

The smoke detector. It's so loud.

7. What is your favorite curse word?

GRRRRRRRRR RUFFF RUFF RUFFF

8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

Racing. Sometimes I pretend I want to play with other dogs just so I can out-run them and laugh because they are too slow to catch me.

9. What profession would you not like to do?

Professional swimmer, or anything that involves swimming. Getting wet is gross.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

"Do you want a treat?"