Squirrel War Three

My dearest Lucy,

I sympathize with your plight against unsavory creatures. We too, have a troupe of unsightly deer. I am lucky that they do not invade our yard often, and usually only do so in transit to disturb other poor pups. I do make sure to mark the border of our property well, so they know to keep distant. The squirrels are a far more pressing nuisance here.

Every day my humans take pity on the poor bird-folk who have not migrated south, and spread seed on our porch so that they may find sustenance when their pantries wear thin. Being the charitable dog that I am, I inspect our seed offerings daily to ensure they are fresh and tasty, then stand guard to ensure only those in need are served.

Keeping watch over the Home for Hungry Fowl

Needless to say, those rapscallions the Grey Squirrel Trio, invade our Home for Hungry Fowl daily in an attempt to steal the seed for themselves. While I have not found a proper deterrent to their arrival, I find the quickest way to dispatch these filthy creatures is not to bark. Rather, I find the best results by jumping in distress and flinging oneself helplessly at the closed door until the humans allow me out to make my charge. Then I lunge for the evildoers, still silent and menacing - they are not used to a sneak attack and run in fear every time.

I also practice my techniques on a squirrel toy at night, usually when my humans are watching that caterwauling they call "The Voice." It helps me to vent my frustrations so I am able to stay calm and strategic when I encounter my true foe. Perhaps you should ask your humans for a plush deer to practice on. I find a hopeful look and waggy tail in the toy department of the pet store will usually do the trick.

On another subject, my human mom tells me you live with a male human. I must say I find the male human animal wholly unsavory. They do strange things with their facial fur and have hands that are far to large for my liking. We have two in our neighborhood who deliver strange boxes and envelopes, never with anything for me.  I always make my distaste for them known, but they disregard my distress entirely. Another once manhandled me into a prone position while my usually sweet veterinarian took a hatchet to my delicate toenails - entirely ungentlemanly behavior! I hope your human is more respectful and does not subject you to such indignities.

Many licks and bottom sniffs,
Peaches Keane, aka Peachykeen